Who am I? Get to know me.

Everything came flashing back like everything were just so recent. Those pain, confusion and feeling of lost and down. It felt so real though they're all in the past, many years back. 

"What if I had taken different decisions?" asking myself in my own thoughts. A question that been playing in my mind many times though I know till know it can never change the reality of it that they're all over for years. 

A little about myself:-

I'm the eldest child in a family of 5 with a younger sister and brother. We're not from a well to do family, very frequently just making ends meet from hand to mouth. My sister (4 years younger) and brother (11 years younger) all went to the same neighbourhood primary school as me. However, my brother. being the smartest among us managed to get into a better neighbourhood secondary school. My relationship with my siblings were very close when we were younger and also between me and my dad but not my mum. I always had frequent arguments and at times big fight till the extend that my dad had to rush home while at work to stop us. 

Growing up years for me consist of more painful memories than of those good ones yet I'm still alive till now and doing just fine. Imagine for someone who grew up with physical abuse, verbal abuse and sexual abuse, widowed with a son at age of 23, had a son out of wedlock at age of 25, fail marriage after about 11 years of marriage and have total of 5 children, always in and out of job, no financial security, no family support, emotional breakdown, depressed, stressed, broke and broken, falling apart relationship with whole family, threats from in-laws, relying mostly on social assistance for financial, rental, bills and medicals also various time of having suicidal thoughts.

My life was a roller coaster and at times being hit hard by big strong wave which left my cart to broke down and me alone to mend it back so I can continue my journey. Barely anyone was there for me, no hands held out to help or support me. Let alone all the blames thrown to me as if I had asked for all those to happen to me. Even those around me who are supposed to be there for me too at times cursed, criticized and looked down on me without any sympathy. What had I done wrong to them when I'm the victim, yet I'd always been asked to considers others feeling, pride and not to bring shame as a victim.

Now I'm married to a widow with 4 adult children of his own and he's way older than me too. It's an easy marriage and he's 19 years older than me. Unemployed and living off his retirement payout monthly from his prison job for 36 years. It's not a love marriage like a totally dream come through but it's a fine one though not a fully pleasant one. I don't really talk to his children, especially his last 3. I just feel like I'm not so welcome in their family. However I did have a few short conversations with his eldest son who is already married and staying not that far from my husband. I just feels like I just exist to fill the loneliness and boredom that he have but not really that kind of love me marriage like what he used to have with his late wife.

Not much complain as at least he loves and treat all my children like his own and they're all close with him like he's their own dad too. That's the most important thing to me when I looked for a replacement as the man will be living with my children too and not just me so he better be able to love mine like his own as I don't hesitate to leave for my children.

I guess enough about me and roughly about my life journey. My next chapter will be the story of all that I remember of my childhood before I started schooling officially.